I have started and deleted this post four times. It feels scary to write, and I keep worrying it will come out wrong. But when I was in the thick of it, the thing that helped most was hearing another mom say "me too." So here is my "me too."
Quick note first: I am not a doctor or a therapist, and this is not medical advice. It is just what happened to me. If any of this sounds familiar, please talk to your doctor. That was the turning point for me.
What I expected versus what happened
Before the twins, I knew about postpartum depression. I had read the pamphlets, and I had been warned to watch for sadness, crying, and not feeling connected to the babies. I kept checking myself for those signs, and I did not really see them. I loved Theo and June so much it almost hurt.
What I did not know was that for some people, it looks like worry. Constant, loud, exhausting worry.
What it looked like for me
When the twins were about six weeks old, I started lying awake after night feedings, even when both babies were asleep and I had a chance to rest. I would watch the monitor and count their breaths. If one of them was too still, my heart would pound until I saw the little chest move.
During the day, I checked the stove over and over, even when I had not used it. I would read about a rare illness online and then spend the afternoon convinced one of the twins had it. When Dan took them to the grocery store without me, I pictured car accidents the whole time they were gone. I did not tell anyone about those thoughts, because saying them out loud felt like it might make them real.
I was also irritable in a way that did not feel like me. Small things, like a dropped bottle or a door slamming, made me jump and snap. Dan thought I was just tired. So did I. We had newborn twins. Everybody was tired.
The moment I said something
At my twelve-week check-up, my doctor handed me the usual questionnaire. I almost filled it out the "right" way. Then I got to a question about feeling anxious or worried for no good reason, and I just started crying in the exam room.
My doctor was so kind. She did not seem surprised, and she did not make me feel like a bad mom. She explained that what I was feeling was common and treatable, and we talked about options. I also started seeing a therapist who works with new parents, mostly through video calls during the twins' nap time. My insurance covered a good part of it, which I had not expected.
What helped me
This part is personal. What helped me might not be what helps you, and that is exactly why the doctor matters.
- Telling Dan everything. Even the scary thoughts. He did not flinch. He just held my hand and said, "Okay. We will figure it out." He also started taking one full night shift a week so I could sleep with earplugs in the other room.
- Talking to a professional regularly. Having a set time each week to talk it out made the worry feel smaller the rest of the week.
- Getting outside. A walk around the block with the stroller, even ten minutes, helped reset my head more than I expected.
- Accepting my mom's help. She started coming up from San Jose once a week. I used some of those hours to nap, and some just to sit in a coffee shop alone and breathe.
- Muting the internet. I stopped googling symptoms at 2 a.m. That habit was feeding the anxiety, not calming it.
Where I am now
The twins are nineteen months old now, and I feel like myself again most days. The worry still shows up sometimes, like when one of them runs a fever, but it feels like normal mom worry instead of a runaway train. I know what my warning signs are, and I know I can ask for help if it starts to build again.
If you are reading this in the middle of the night, counting breaths on a monitor, I want you to know you are not alone and you are not failing. You are a parent who loves your kids and is carrying something heavy.
Please tell someone. Your partner, a friend, and most importantly your doctor or midwife. You do not need to have the perfect words. "I am not okay, and I do not know why" is enough to start. It was enough for me.
